To Be or Not To Be

Is it really easier to be someone that makes it easier for others to accept? Or hide something that others won't accept? What about the damage that its doing to you mentally and emotionally? Are your relationships a depiction of truth or based on a mask that you have introduced?

The Mask of Un-forgiveness

It's Day 3 of our Hot Topic Week "The Masks We Wear" and I have received some great questions and comments about it. Yesterday I received quite a few in regards to forgiveness and being able to forgive those that have hurt or hindered you. This post was inspired by all the conversation and one in particular led to a breakthrough of why the cycle has continued.

We've all heard that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for you to release the pain and hurt and to move forward with your life. Its sounds easy enough but its not. This young lady stated she had moved past the feelings of hurt and "why me," she understood it happened to her but did not define her, she also helps to speak with young ladies like herself to let them know "its not their fault." Commendable indeed, but when I asked about if she is still wearing the mask, she said "I don't feel as though I wear a mask as you say, I am past the why's and who's, its their issue no longer mine, I have dealt with those issues that I had that made me ashamed. But I am true to my feelings about my Mom and can not forgive her for allowing it to happen to me. She knew and I told like I was supposed to, but she didn't care. I don't speak with her and our relationship has never been the same but I have moved on. What's done is done"

It took me a moment to respond because, in that release, I felt her pain still there, I felt the hurt and betrayal she felt from the one person she needed to save her. I felt the longing of a relationship that every little girl needs. She's now a grown woman, but inside she's a broken girl. What they don't tell you about forgiveness is you have to be mentally and emotionally ready. You have to be mentally ready because you have to have seriously dealt with what happened to you. Believe that it was not about you, but the other person. Know that it happened to you but was never about you. You have to accept that what happened may have changed your life but you NEED to look for the lesson and learn from it, its a life lesson that you needed to learn in no other way. Emotionally, you have to have processed all the above, the need for revenge is no longer there, the why me and how, you no longer need an answer, all you want is release from the weight that it bears. Forgiveness is a process, but you have to be willing to go through it to move on. When you are unforgiving, you hold on to that hurt and anger, it eats away at you. It makes you bitter, oh you say, I'm not bitter, but the actions scream it out loud. "I don't speak with her" .... "I have moved on."  

People don't always know what they do, and they don't always know the extremity of the hurt they've caused. This young lady is missing out on her present relationship with her Mom, who she stated later that she misses her, needs her at times, wants her to have a relationship with her grandson, but it's those words "I can not forgive her" that is standing in the way. Her present is suffering, her future will suffer.

After awhile, the inbox messages became a phone call and this young lady admitted she has tried to forgive, but she doesn't know how... and there it is. We wear the mask of un-forgiveness because we don't know how to forgive and don't know where to start.  It starts with admitting it and then having a conversation about your true feelings. Removing the mask, admitting your feelings and committing to dealing with them. Forgiving is not easy, but its NECESSARY for yourself, NOT the other person. I am glad I was able to speak with and help this young lady. 

                                   

        

Be Candy Coated
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The Masks We Wear

Remember when you were a kid and you were asked what you wanted to be for Halloween? You would pick out the superhero of the moment or the doll of choice or the favorite cartoon character.  After that night of trick or treating, you played with the mask for a few days and then the excitement and thrill faded and like many other toys, tossed in the corner... Remember that?

Well, now that you're older, why do you still wear a mask? Why do you still hide who you really are inside? I see so many people who are as sweet as pie, but they wear mask that's hardened, hurt and evil on the outside. Is it to protect themselves, a defense mechanism?  Then there are those who pretend to be such angels, but inside their blood runs cold and will turn on you as soon as the sun goes down. Do you know people like this?


Let's go a little deeper. What about the little girl who was molested as a child, by an uncle, cousin, father, neighbor, etc. She's been threatened to not say anything, or maybe she did and was told she was a liar. Now she's got the guilt of what she's been through and now she believes she's a liar. That's a huge mask to walk around in at school, around friends or at work pretending that all is right with the world.  How about the woman or girl who is physically abused day after day by a loved one, physically and verbally abused. She thinks its her fault, because that's what she's told, but she's knows that it's not but she can't seem to do anything about it. She goes to school or work and pretends that her family is NOT dysfunctional, but she is quiet, meek and doesn't say much for fear that they too will abuse her. One hell of mask right there.

I think you are getting my point of the masks that we put on willingly, but are afraid to take them off for fear of what people may say, think or do.  The mask of hurt, the mask of shame, the mask of blame, the mask of someone who is NOT you.

    "When you hold onto your history, you do it at the expense of your destiny" - TD Jakes

Sometimes those masks hurt more than the actual emotions that you're dealing with. It takes time and energy to hide. You have to think about what you will say when someone asks questions. You have to remember the lies that you told to cover for the person that is hurting you, you have to always ALWAYS be on alert so that no one will expose your inner truth. I bet you're wondering how I know... I've been there, I've worn masks, yes plural, sometimes a few at the same time. The mask of physical, verbal and mental abuse, the mask of low self-esteem, the mask of "I'm not good enough," the mask of depression,  the mask of uncertainty, shall I go on?

    "When you put all your energy into hiding... your presence suffers. Your future suffers. Your           PURPOSE suffers." - Stephanie Valentine

It took me a very long time to recognize that hiding only hindered my growth, if I could go back to a younger me, I would have poured insight and unconditional love into myself so that I would know, I was worthy, I was enough, I was different because I was made to make a difference in someone else's life.  I didn't know that then so I wore a mask to hide how I really felt, unloved. The same way that some of you wear a mask now.

I recognize it instantly in so many of our youth and young women, I see past the masks, I see the real you, I empathize with you. Remove the mask, start speaking life and love into yourself. Expose the hurt, the lies and tell the truth that is within. Allow, yes ALLOW yourself to heal so that you can move on and discover who you were born to be. You have greatness within you, believe that every trial and mishap that has happened in your life has purpose to make you stronger and  to build character. Don't bury it, use it as your stepping stool to reach higher heights. We all have CANDY inside of us, Confidence, Assertiveness, Nurturing spirit, Diversity and a uniqueness that is only YOU. Remove the mask, its time to heal and show the world you are beautiful.


Be Candy Coated
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Tweet Me @Candycoatedbags and use Hashtag #RemoveTheMask
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Candy Coated Bags - Fall 2013 Pre View!!

Hey Everyone,

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